They Paved Paradise

After leaving our car with valet for thirty minutes:

Parking Attendant: "That'll be $8." 
mylifeissonotironic: "Even with validation?" 
PA: "Yeah, without validation it's $10 an hour. With validation, it's $8 for the day." 
mylifeissonotironic: "Ah, ok." 
PA: "Oh wait - were you here for the event?" 
mylifeissonotironic: "Yeah!!" 
...
PA: "That will be $10."
...
...
...

I love when workout instructors tell you to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. I just want to be like, is this really what you think I look like when I'm comfortable?

Family Plan

If I were a man, this card would be absolutely terrifying.

Fortunes for Talentless Whores

Ho-kay, cookie - you win this round.