Creepy Old Dude Seeks Young Pretty Girl to Make Him Feel Cool for a Weekend is not exactly a new concept – but every once in a while, a freshly emboldened COD arrives on the scene and takes things to a whole new level of weird. Enter Gordan.
Fifty-six-year-old Gordan aka Gordie is fresh out of a job and an eleven-year marriage and is looking to have some fun - JUST FUN! – in VIP land at Coachella…with a 19-25-year-old female. Because, of course. What is not so of course is his admirably specific set of criteria - and very suspicious utilization of quotation marks. Just take a look at the intro:
COACHELLA VIP WEEKEND 1 PASS: free for the right person
Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel “companion” that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right “one”!
I know. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?? I did the only thing that made any logical sense to me at the time…and responded to the ad:
Dear Gordie –
Is it okay if I call you Gordie?? Given that we might be jumping straight into temporary cohabitation, it seems a bit silly to dwell on formalities. Let's get right to it, shall we?
There’s a lot to unpack in your post (Detail-oriented! I love that in man.), so it’s probably easiest if I take it line by line. First, I applaud your decision to snag tix for Weekend 2. Definitely the more grown-up weekend. That shows a maturity and confidence echoed by your recent assertive moves in marriage and occupation. How long were you at Soup Plantation? What did you guys talk about during those darn 7am conference calls?! What happens when that 401k runs out?? You’re a mysterious guy, G, and I am VERY intrigued. As far as your ex-wife is concerned, what happened there? I know you said you did the divorcing, so I’m curious as to the possible volatility of that relationship. I don’t want to walk into a crazy stalker ex situation, especially considering the limited security of an RV, ya know? Speaking of security, I’m feeling a bit insecure about those quotation marks surrounding both companion and one. I assume there’s a wink involved, but I’m not entirely sure what you’re insinuating. Are you predicting a closeness that extends past simple companionship? (I hope so, because I am, too!!) Is that “one” a projection of your appreciation of a multi-faceted personality? If so, don’t you worry, I definitely have one of those. I can even get a note from my therapist to prove it HAHA. (I like that I feel like I can joke with you already! That’s such a good sign.) Now, on to your criteria!
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25. One of the things I admired most about your ad was your unabashed honesty - and I don’t want to mislead you - so I feel like I should admit that I’m not 19-25. I’m 32. BUT I have a v girlish appearance, take excellent care of my skin, and am a master with youth-infusing filters. Also, I’m able to drink legally, so you won’t have to worry about finding me a fake ID or, like, getting my mom to sign a permission slip. SO MANY PERKS.
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached). Oh, that looks super comfy!! Just so long as you don’t take any turns too fast, I should be just fine. (I get a little motion sick sometimes, but I think that’s really just a product of my delicate femininity. And I’m sure a manly man like you could make me feel better right away!) Sidenote: Can we get Shasta beverages to drink en route?! I love a good theme – they can be the flavor to our FUN! Haha.
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc). Okay, on this one, I think we can do so much better. You’re above that cheesy, overplayed stuff! And only a$$holes wear Indian “headbands” TBH. I’m thinking maybe we match?! Or at least coordinate our colors and schematics, so everyone knows we belong together. (As if that won’t be apparent enough from the start :))
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over. I just made you a Spotify account, so I can share the playlist with you. (Ten bucks a month? Worth it.) Start listening now so can sing along together in the car!! Already picturing super cute moments like this one in Walk to Remember with Mandy Moore and Shane West: https://youtu.be/CGyVRnXl3PQ?t=50s. Note to self: Bring temporary tattoos!
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times. Duh! Especially in that desert heat. Lush has some scented options that are supposed to spark romance, so I’ll be sure to stock up!
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic. I think it’s pretty obvious that anyone replying to your post is both of those things. No shame, more gain!
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially). Holding hands is one of my favorite hobbies! Look, it even says so in one of my online bios! I knew we were so in sync. One thing – can you maybe give me some examples of songs you find sensual? Just to make sure our in sync-ness extends to music as well. I wouldn’t want to…leave you hanging. (Get it? Hahaha.)
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit. Do you prefer standard polish or gels? And if it’s standard polish, is it okay if I wear the same color all weekend or would you prefer if I changed it with each outfit? Whichever way is cool – my nail beds are your nail beds! Also, what do you think about metallic nails for yourself? It’s such a cool trend for guys! Let me know – I can bring some color options for you.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS! You don’t need to tell me twice! (Though you've already covered the best ones.) I’ll buy extra, just in case we make any (female) friends at the Tropics.
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride). So just to be clear, you *aren’t* into the girl on girl action thing…?
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact. Just warning you – I’ve never lost a staring contest. But for reals, I read this one article that said you can fall in love with anyone if you gaze into their eyes for long enough periods of time. I’m so in! (Not that we’ll need any help on that front, of course.)
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged). I love this – my dad used to brush my hair when I was little. I hope that doesn’t make it weird!!
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok. Whatever we do, I just want us to do it together. This weekend is all about US.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account. Oops – just so you know, the correct spelling is Instagram. (But also just so you know, I would never correct you in public. I have way too much respect for your intelligence/masculinity.) And of course!! I’ve already made us a joint account – @GordieNStace4ever. So far there’s just a #tbt pic of me doodling on my junior high notebook. I’m pretending I was writing your name all over it hehe.
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence. But Gordie, I want to always look my best for you. Isn’t it sometimes better when there’s a little mystique in a relationship? Besides, I want to leave some surprises for when we’re married! Or maybe just after we’ve been living together for five years or more, if you’re not looking to take another trip down the aisle. No pressure!!
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!) *Instagram ;) You are such a gentleman! (My mom totally agrees. She said my dad used to carry her on his shoulders – before his back got too weak. You’re obviously super strong, though. Can’t wait to show off those muscles in an Insta story!!!)
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that “I am naughty”. Can we maybe pick a different word? I’ve just had some bad experiences involving that particular adjective in the past. Not all guys are as amazing as you are - or can deliver potentially pervy phrases with such finesse!!!
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that “you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time”. No problem! I’ll feel a little weird lying to you, though – because I already know I am going to have a GREAT time! JUST FUN right?!?!
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower. What a cute romantic idea!!! You are such a secret softie. What else are you cooking up in that sweet, special (comma brilliant!) mind of yours?!? I can’t wait to find out *hugs*
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and as mentioned, an all expenses paid trip. If you think you’re the one, let me know and we can have a great time together. My name is Gordon and I am 56 years old from West Covina. Best, Gordie Please see #’s 1-19 ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
Can’t wait to take part in this once in a lifetime opportunity!!! Coachella here we come!!!
Lots of Love,
Stacie aka The Right “One”