December 2011
19 posts
17 tags
Thanks For The Soup, Jesus
While attempting to Google the inventor of Matzo (Matzah? Matzoh?) Ball Soup, so I could properly thank him, posthumously, for the magically delectable cure-all, I instead stumbled across the inventor of Spray Pancake Batter.
Truth.
I paused, momentarily, in confusion. Then pressed on.
I finally came across a single article claiming to sufficiently detail the history of my favorite Jewish...
17 tags
Keeping it Together
Monday: “Hi Stacie, It’s Ron from Ford. Just letting you know that you have been put on hold this Thursday for the cover of Scientific American Mind. I will call you to confirm the booking.”
Tuesday: “You’re confirmed for Thursday. I’ll email you the call sheet.”
Thursday: “So we think we’re going to have your hair flowing out behind you,...
8 tags
A Christmas Story
Aunt Nancy got her turkey all prepped and ready for Christmas dinner. The less-than-aesthetically-pleasing slash generally unappetizing parts of the turkey were tossed into a bowl in the sink.
“Carson, can you take those turkey parts out to the dogs?” Aunt Nancy yelled to her youngest son.
Aunt Nancy heard the door slam behind Carson as he ran out...
8 tags
Kitchen Conversations With My Mom
Mom: I'm finally going to get to look at all these old photos Aunt Helen always said she didn't have.
Me: How'd you get her to say she had them?
Mom: She died.
...
...
...
Right. That'll do it. ... Merry Christmas!!
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4 tags
“We will be closed December 25th. Happy Holidays to your family.”
— The Izaka-ya by Katsu-ya
Right. To my family.
Why can’t I have a happy holiday, Izaka-ya?
Rude.
5 tags
“I forgot that I wore my Snuggie to sleep last night.
I couldn’t figure...”
– Me
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9 tags
GroupOn Fail
Earlier this year, I purchased a GroupOn for Cardio Barre, at their new location in Beverly Hills. $40 for ten classes that are normally 16 bucks each?! And so close to my apartment?! Yes, please!
Must be redeemed by December 16th. Dude. Totally fine. I have months! I could use 10 classes up in a week.
…
Well. I work in Santa Monica, soooo that pretty much ruled out getting back to BH...
4 tags
“How much can one person shed? Jesus is making a mockery of my follicles.”
– My Inner Monologue
6 tags
I Saw Some Throne-age
One of my coworkers just asked if I went to the JayZ-Kanye concert last night.
I experienced an overwhelming desire to tell her I went H.A.M.
#probablyagoodthingirestrainedmyself
26 tags
A Nice Little Sunday
There are probably 3 questions tumbling (like that?) through your head right now:
1. “Hey Stace, how was the 30th Annual Venice Canals Holiday Boat Parade?!
2. “Omg. Stace. How much are you loving your new Blackberry?!”
3. “Dude. When was the last time you, like, officially skinned your knee? Like, 2nd grade style?”
Oh, wow! Guess what?! I can answer all three of...
7 tags
My, Hello Kitty, How You've Grown!
I want to buy everything in H&M Kids
There were Hello Kitty leggings
HELLO KITTY LEGGINGS
I wanted them so bad
But the face woulda stretched out… a lot…
This ironic incident was contributed by improbablygonnabeacatlady
11 tags
Give Our Vices Back Their Integrity
English major chick: We need to give slothdom back its integrity. The Christians ruined it for us.
English major dude: Didn't they ruin all the sins?
24 tags
Why Can't a Girl Just Be Nice
improbablygonnabeacatlady linked me to a terrifying email, penned by an investment banker (shocking), after a first date mysteriously turned out to be a last date. I have included the contents of the email below, along with my notes. My notes are in bold, as Tumblr apparently did not appreciate my original color scheme.
Hi Lauren,
I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a...
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Should I Send a Follow-Up Email?
This post is a follow-up to Look No Further - Your Holiday Girlfriend is Here!
irony’sbestie: 1. Enjoyed your latest blog post :) 2. You need to send a pic if you want a response! You always have to send a pic, even if it’s fake…
me: Sigh. You’re so right. I just felt like he’d appreciate Rebecca’s honesty. I misjudged him.
irony’sbestie: Please send...
30 tags
Look No Further - Your Holiday Girlfriend is Here!
By now, you’ve probably heard tell of the the San Francisco dude seeking his seasonal soulmate…on Craigslist. But did you actually reply to his ad?
I did. Well, technically, Rebecca Dwyer did.
Let’s start from the beginning.
improbablygonnabeacatlady sends me a link to super-bro’s personal ad:
WANTED: Holiday Girlfriend - 28 (mission district)
Date:...
5 tags
VIP Children are Definitely Too Cool For Me
When I was searching volunteer opportunities on L.A. Works today, I stumbled across a post titled “Activities with VIP Youth”. Several things went through my head.
Why do VIP kids need volunteers to hang out with them? Can’t they at least afford a “cool nanny”?
How does a child go about becoming VIP? How are they already so...
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